Sent to us by a reader who thought this would bring some sense of
levity to the current massive corporate lay-offs.

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under
this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program
will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly
Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management.   This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by
Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get:  HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee
who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED
or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management